The following story is true. The names have not been changed to
protect anyone.
The Lovely Lois is the mother of Pubmaster Whitey. There is a good
chance that she will be the topic of many stories to come. Her debut
story will look at how, in one night, she outscored the St. Louis Rams.
I was just a kid, maybe eight years old. It was a Sunday night and I
was sick. The Lovely Lois knew that a clear liquid would have soothed
my upset stomach. She knew two other things as well. One- we didn't
have any clear liquids in the house, and two- she didn't have a license.
She had lost her license earlier in the year for accumulating too many
points. She was on the 'revoked list'. However, it was getting late on a
quiet Sunday evening in Monmouth County, NJ, and the store was just a
few short blocks down the road. She said herself "I'm going in", and
was off.
The Quick Check had just closed for the evening. "Damn", she
muttered. A dim light went off in her head as she scanned her memory
of other convenience stores in the area. "Ah yes, just a town away is
another store", and she was off again.
Imagine her dismay as she pulled into the parking lot of the darkened
vender. "Hmmm, well I'm out this far, I may as well complete the
mission and get what I need".
She succeeded in finding an open store in Oceanport and was heading
for home. Now time for the "Who needs enemies when I have a friend
like you" portion of the story.
As The Lovely Lois was heading into Oceanport, a lovers quarrel was
about to ignite the night. Bill Ganley was in a bar talking to a cop
friend. He mentioned that The Lovely Lois was behind the wheel. "One
Adam Twelve, be on the lookout for a light blue four-door sedan with a
female driver in her mid to upper forties, driving on the Revoked List",
police scanners blared.
Often the only kind of luck The Lovely Lois had was bad luck. "License,
insurance, and registration", the young officer stated. She granted his
request, and he took the documentation back to the cruiser. She
panicked. Somewhere Richard Petty's ears got hot as The Lovely Lois
jumped on the throttle and the chase began.
Three towns of chase. Back roads, county roads, one way roads all
included. One cop who got a bit too close found himself in a field. A
real life Smokey and the Bandit my mom was acting out.
Unfortunately, the police knew exactly where she was heading and set
up a road block in front of our neighborhood. They wanted to make
sure she got back her driving documents. The Lovely Lois, always with
a keen eye spotted the conglomeration of shiny cars with swirling lights
(as did small aircraft overhead) and changed her course. Down a small
side street, across a yard, and to the safety of her parking lot she
roared. Clear liquid in hand, she dashed into the house, closed all
curtains, changed into her pajamas, and opened the couch's foldaway
bed in the blink of an eye.
Somehow she was able to work up a curious look when the police
knocked on the door. "Are you through for the evening Lois?" was the
officers deadpan quote. Meanwhile, I'm excited. Police from three
different towns right there in my parking lot! Police feeling the tires
and hood of our car and burning themselves. Fortunately my mother
had watched her fair share of police dramas, and told them she wasn't
going anywhere without a warrant. They sighed disappointedly, and
with heads hung low drove away in search of a judge who would agree
to arrest the mother of an eight year old boy who had just out driven
them all.
In the early hours of a Monday morning, Eatontown's finest returned
with the warrant. "There are lights in the windows Mom", I said. "Be
quiet", she hissed. For some unknown reason, they left.
The next morning The Lovely Lois dressed in her best outfit, took out
her bicycle, and peddled to the Police Station to turn herself in .
A few weeks later she stood before the judge and listened to her
escapades read before her. Total score for the quest for clear liquids
came to 51 points. Fifty-One points and a whole bunch of fines. Since
she was a single working parent, she was able to work out a payment
plan. Her license would be returned after the fines were paid. Nine
years later the state of New Jersey reinstated her right to drive in the
Garden State.
I was always the kid that needed a ride to baseball practice after that.
I think I was faking the sickness too.
protect anyone.
The Lovely Lois is the mother of Pubmaster Whitey. There is a good
chance that she will be the topic of many stories to come. Her debut
story will look at how, in one night, she outscored the St. Louis Rams.
I was just a kid, maybe eight years old. It was a Sunday night and I
was sick. The Lovely Lois knew that a clear liquid would have soothed
my upset stomach. She knew two other things as well. One- we didn't
have any clear liquids in the house, and two- she didn't have a license.
She had lost her license earlier in the year for accumulating too many
points. She was on the 'revoked list'. However, it was getting late on a
quiet Sunday evening in Monmouth County, NJ, and the store was just a
few short blocks down the road. She said herself "I'm going in", and
was off.
The Quick Check had just closed for the evening. "Damn", she
muttered. A dim light went off in her head as she scanned her memory
of other convenience stores in the area. "Ah yes, just a town away is
another store", and she was off again.
Imagine her dismay as she pulled into the parking lot of the darkened
vender. "Hmmm, well I'm out this far, I may as well complete the
mission and get what I need".
She succeeded in finding an open store in Oceanport and was heading
for home. Now time for the "Who needs enemies when I have a friend
like you" portion of the story.
As The Lovely Lois was heading into Oceanport, a lovers quarrel was
about to ignite the night. Bill Ganley was in a bar talking to a cop
friend. He mentioned that The Lovely Lois was behind the wheel. "One
Adam Twelve, be on the lookout for a light blue four-door sedan with a
female driver in her mid to upper forties, driving on the Revoked List",
police scanners blared.
Often the only kind of luck The Lovely Lois had was bad luck. "License,
insurance, and registration", the young officer stated. She granted his
request, and he took the documentation back to the cruiser. She
panicked. Somewhere Richard Petty's ears got hot as The Lovely Lois
jumped on the throttle and the chase began.
Three towns of chase. Back roads, county roads, one way roads all
included. One cop who got a bit too close found himself in a field. A
real life Smokey and the Bandit my mom was acting out.
Unfortunately, the police knew exactly where she was heading and set
up a road block in front of our neighborhood. They wanted to make
sure she got back her driving documents. The Lovely Lois, always with
a keen eye spotted the conglomeration of shiny cars with swirling lights
(as did small aircraft overhead) and changed her course. Down a small
side street, across a yard, and to the safety of her parking lot she
roared. Clear liquid in hand, she dashed into the house, closed all
curtains, changed into her pajamas, and opened the couch's foldaway
bed in the blink of an eye.
Somehow she was able to work up a curious look when the police
knocked on the door. "Are you through for the evening Lois?" was the
officers deadpan quote. Meanwhile, I'm excited. Police from three
different towns right there in my parking lot! Police feeling the tires
and hood of our car and burning themselves. Fortunately my mother
had watched her fair share of police dramas, and told them she wasn't
going anywhere without a warrant. They sighed disappointedly, and
with heads hung low drove away in search of a judge who would agree
to arrest the mother of an eight year old boy who had just out driven
them all.
In the early hours of a Monday morning, Eatontown's finest returned
with the warrant. "There are lights in the windows Mom", I said. "Be
quiet", she hissed. For some unknown reason, they left.
The next morning The Lovely Lois dressed in her best outfit, took out
her bicycle, and peddled to the Police Station to turn herself in .
A few weeks later she stood before the judge and listened to her
escapades read before her. Total score for the quest for clear liquids
came to 51 points. Fifty-One points and a whole bunch of fines. Since
she was a single working parent, she was able to work out a payment
plan. Her license would be returned after the fines were paid. Nine
years later the state of New Jersey reinstated her right to drive in the
Garden State.
I was always the kid that needed a ride to baseball practice after that.
I think I was faking the sickness too.
White Scores Fifty-One
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