If I were President…
If I were President I’d fix a few sports. Make it mandatory that any
league that wants to be on television comply, or the FCC wouldn’t be
permitted to broadcast the event.
Hockey
If the NHL is determined to get us to watch, here are a few policy
changes...
No more ties. None. Never. Americans don’t understand a “tie” or a
“draw”. We want winners and losers. The news cries out for it. If
any game is tied after regulation there will be one over time period.
Still tied? There will be a shootout with each starting player getting
one shot each, including the goalies in FULL PADS. This will continue
through each player and each line until there is a winner.
Less games. Hockey in September, October, November,
December, January and even into February currently is a waste of
time, and a rip off for fans. Fifty bucks to watch Florida vs.Vancouver
in October huh? I’d rather watch the fertilizer on the lawn do it’s
magic. No more 82 game schedules. Fifty tops, and make ¾’s of the
year more important than the Dr. Phil hour. Playoffs you say? All
series best of five until the league finals and Stanly Cup.
Hockey fans say you need all the extra games to make up for the
salaries. These fans are thinking too short term. If you make the
above changes, you will gain more casual fans throughout the year.
This will in turn make the television product more lucrative, and the
TV contracts will increase in value. This money will go back to the
teams to pay the players. More fans, more money, less games I say.
College Football
Overtime in this sport now sucks. The game is completely
changed. An arbitrary starting point is selected and teams go back and
forth until someone sucks more than the other. Games in theory
could go on forever, with scores of 152-149 a possibility. That ain’t
football.
Any game tied at the end of regulation will result in a FULL
quarter of action. I will concede sudden death (the most exciting
deciding factor in all sports) just to get us some more football. I’ll
even throw in a little twist too. If one team scores in overtime, the
other team will have the option of selecting which direction to receive
the kickoff, or which goal to defend. This will keep the old people from
falling asleep during those really long games…
Steve Keneally
Gainesville, Fla.
If I were President…
Less News.
I’d create the position of Department of Broadcast Bullshit (DPB) and
make them a branch of the Homeland Security Division. Too much
bullshit has made more than one person go postal, so we’re covered
there.
How many times a day do you tune in only to find BREAKING NEWS
and LIVE smattered or scrolling across the bottom of your RCA? You’
re intrigued; you have to watch because something really important is
going to happen. Then you hear a fifteen minute diatribe on
everything you heard yesterday, only THIS TIME there is an expert in
the field of MINDLESS BULLSHIT giving you the scoop. Who cares?
Did I really turn away from the “Oxy Clean” or “7 Minute Abs”
infomercial for this?
So…
If I were President I would make it illegal to put the words News on
anything that didn’t have something NEW (s) to report. If it’s more
than one hour old, it’s OLD (s) and can’t be used. Americans don’t
live under rocks (except for those in Waco and Ruby Ridge) and know
what’s going on. We don’t need to hear it 24 hours a day, and we don’t
like wasting our time on old stuff. We have rooms to paint in less than
5 minutes, or Abs to zap with electricity, or real estate we could be
selling RIGHT NOW!
This should effectively put MSNBC, CNN, FoxNews and every
newspaper in this country out of business. Sports sections of the
newspapers spared for baseball box scores and the funnies.
George W. Brokaw
Boise, ID
If I were President I’d fix a few sports. Make it mandatory that any
league that wants to be on television comply, or the FCC wouldn’t be
permitted to broadcast the event.
Hockey
If the NHL is determined to get us to watch, here are a few policy
changes...
No more ties. None. Never. Americans don’t understand a “tie” or a
“draw”. We want winners and losers. The news cries out for it. If
any game is tied after regulation there will be one over time period.
Still tied? There will be a shootout with each starting player getting
one shot each, including the goalies in FULL PADS. This will continue
through each player and each line until there is a winner.
Less games. Hockey in September, October, November,
December, January and even into February currently is a waste of
time, and a rip off for fans. Fifty bucks to watch Florida vs.Vancouver
in October huh? I’d rather watch the fertilizer on the lawn do it’s
magic. No more 82 game schedules. Fifty tops, and make ¾’s of the
year more important than the Dr. Phil hour. Playoffs you say? All
series best of five until the league finals and Stanly Cup.
Hockey fans say you need all the extra games to make up for the
salaries. These fans are thinking too short term. If you make the
above changes, you will gain more casual fans throughout the year.
This will in turn make the television product more lucrative, and the
TV contracts will increase in value. This money will go back to the
teams to pay the players. More fans, more money, less games I say.
College Football
Overtime in this sport now sucks. The game is completely
changed. An arbitrary starting point is selected and teams go back and
forth until someone sucks more than the other. Games in theory
could go on forever, with scores of 152-149 a possibility. That ain’t
football.
Any game tied at the end of regulation will result in a FULL
quarter of action. I will concede sudden death (the most exciting
deciding factor in all sports) just to get us some more football. I’ll
even throw in a little twist too. If one team scores in overtime, the
other team will have the option of selecting which direction to receive
the kickoff, or which goal to defend. This will keep the old people from
falling asleep during those really long games…
Steve Keneally
Gainesville, Fla.
If I were President…
Less News.
I’d create the position of Department of Broadcast Bullshit (DPB) and
make them a branch of the Homeland Security Division. Too much
bullshit has made more than one person go postal, so we’re covered
there.
How many times a day do you tune in only to find BREAKING NEWS
and LIVE smattered or scrolling across the bottom of your RCA? You’
re intrigued; you have to watch because something really important is
going to happen. Then you hear a fifteen minute diatribe on
everything you heard yesterday, only THIS TIME there is an expert in
the field of MINDLESS BULLSHIT giving you the scoop. Who cares?
Did I really turn away from the “Oxy Clean” or “7 Minute Abs”
infomercial for this?
So…
If I were President I would make it illegal to put the words News on
anything that didn’t have something NEW (s) to report. If it’s more
than one hour old, it’s OLD (s) and can’t be used. Americans don’t
live under rocks (except for those in Waco and Ruby Ridge) and know
what’s going on. We don’t need to hear it 24 hours a day, and we don’t
like wasting our time on old stuff. We have rooms to paint in less than
5 minutes, or Abs to zap with electricity, or real estate we could be
selling RIGHT NOW!
This should effectively put MSNBC, CNN, FoxNews and every
newspaper in this country out of business. Sports sections of the
newspapers spared for baseball box scores and the funnies.
George W. Brokaw
Boise, ID
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Once again our
readers have
logged on and
emailed us their
opinions. With
Election Day just
around the corner,
our monthly topic
is "If I were
President". This
month's winners
were...
readers have
logged on and
emailed us their
opinions. With
Election Day just
around the corner,
our monthly topic
is "If I were
President". This
month's winners
were...
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